Category Archives: Getting healthier

Blog, Getting healthier, relationships

Dealing with Fi – Just can’t even

It’s not news that INFJs struggle with the Fi-Fe clash.  There’s a whole world of apocalyptic stories on the internet from INFJs who’ve been badly burnt by Fi in a person they are close to.  There is no single function which is harder for an INFJ to deal with, and which pushes them more to the brink – it truly is the zone of pain for an INFJ.  

It’s hard for an INFJ who’s on the receiving end of an Fi-dump to see Fi as anything other than self-absorbed at best, or selfish at worst.  When contrasted with their own Fe-orientated approach, which is likely to focus on building harmony through addressing the feelings of other people, INFJs can tend to interpret Fi in the worst terms.  It’s particularly disappointing to an INFJ that the Fi-user seems blissfully unaware of the personal sacrifice the INFJ makes by putting their own feelings to one side so as to focus on the other person.

It’s easy to write this off as selfish.  But the truth is that all types can behave selfishly if they are unhealthy or under stress (and yes, that includes INFJs!).  They just go about it in different way.  A Ti-dom might selfishly focus on what they think, and make selfish choices based on that.  An Ni-dom might focus on what they intuitively know, and make selfish choices based on that.  The only difference with Fi-doms is that their Fi is more visible to other people, and so it’s just much easier to spot when they slip into unhealthy ways of being.  Fi-users aren’t as good at hiding their own selfishness as Fe-users!

But there’s another dimension to this.  Part of the reason why INFJs react so strongly to unhealthy Fi is because they have an uncomfortable relationship with their own feelings and identity.  Witnessing another person so confidently wielding their identity-forming function of Fi is low-key threatening to the INFJ, because it sub-consciously reminds the INFJ that they are uncertain of their own identity, and of their own needs and desires.

An INFJ can actually learn from a healthy Fi-user how to be more comfortable with their own needs.  Instead of feeling guilty about putting themselves first, an Fi-user can show the INFJ how to have healthy boundaries and how to look after their own needs in an appropriate way.  The way an INFJ can do this is likely to be via their Ti (their own identity-forming function), which is in the tertiary position for INFJs.  This may be a weak function, but it is still possible for an INFJ to use it to emulate healthy self-love by taking time to logically think through what it is they need and deserve.  This will give them the ability to learn from the best of healthy Fi, whilst maintaining boundaries with the worst of unhealthy Fi-users.

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Blog, Getting healthier

Looping the loop – Ni-Ti fun and games

So you’re caught up in the infamous Ni-Ti loop again.  An endless descending spiral of self-doubt, uncertainty, overthinking and loosening grip on reality… you know the drill.  INFJs are driven to try and understand whatever situation they find themselves in – whether it’s a work issue, a relationship problem, an existential crisis, or just something more prosaic like ‘am I getting fat?’.  By understanding a problem, INFJs think they can master it. 

But once they withdraw into their twin introverted functions of Ni and Ti, they become obsessively focused on seeking a definitive answer.  And this search has its own self-perpetuating energy. The more you overthink a problem, the more gravitational pull that problem has on your focus.  The problem doesn’t get solved, and no definitive answer is ever found.  Instead, a billion different negative possibilities spring into life, each accelerating round your head like asteroids swirling round the event horizon of an enormous black hole.


The magnetic pull these imagined negative possibilities exert is so great that it can be very difficult for an INFJ to claw their way back to reality.  Instead, the INFJ gets further and further away from the truth, and sinks deeper and deeper into the unreal.


The solution to this self-defeating cycle is always for the INFJ to tap back into their two extroverted functions – Fe and Se.  INFJs have a very sophisticated use of their Ni – but Ni doesn’t have all the answers and you can’t rely on it alone (especially not when it’s only backed up by increasingly crazy introverted thinking).  


You need to get back to what’s real, what you actually know, what the facts are.  Not speculation – just the facts.  INFJs gather information about the real world via their Se and Fe.  Extraverted sensation may not be their strongest suit, and indeed the whole world of actual reality is sometimes a bit of a stretch for INFJs to engage with.  But their Fe is strong, and this is the function that will help anchor themselves back in, you know, real life.


So get out there and talk to an actual human being!  If that’s too hard, chat to someone online instead.  Getting an outside perspective on your problems invariably makes them shrink, and INFJs benefit enormously from just ‘talking it out’.  The very act of externalising your feelings (via Fe) brings some order and structure to the chaos inside and makes everything much more manageable.  Even if you don’t talk about the issues at hand, just being social with another person is an invaluable distraction that can bring you back to reality and get you out of that Ni-Ti loop.


The other way to jolt yourself out of the loop is to plunge into Se by doing something active.  It doesn’t really matter what, as long as you just do something – exercising, getting outdoors, going somewhere, even just doing some housework.  Anything that gets you moving is enough to break the Ni-Ti loop and bring you back to the here and now.  It can feel like a Herculean effort is needed to tear yourself away from the lure of the loop, but the certainty and sense of closure that comes from ‘action’ is like a balm to INFJs.  So stop overthinking – and just do it.


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