Why oh why is the internet awash with people demanding that INFJs stop door-slamming?  It seems as if every ex boyfriend/girlfriend of an INFJ carries a deep sense of indignation that their INFJ ever had the temerity to end their relationship – and they’re going to let the whole world know about it by endlessly whining about being doorslammed.  How dare that INFJ cut off their relationship? They’d really enjoyed basking in the devoted attention of their INFJ.  Why on earth wouldn’t the INFJ want to continue doing that for them?  What in the world is wrong with INFJs, they bleat??

There is an internet-wide conspiracy to try and make INFJs feel guilty for cutting toxic people out of their lives.

INFJs have every right to end a relationship if it’s not working for them.  Sorry, but not sorry.  The simple and obvious fact is that all types end relationships from time to time – INFJs aren’t the only ones.  Let’s be clear here – a ‘doorslam’ is just the INFJ making it clear that they no longer want you in their lives.  That’s all.  It’s not a crime.  Many other types are way crueller in the way they end relationships, and yet they don’t come in for the same universal condemnation. 

This tearing down of INFJs has to stop!

The fact is, INFJs extend way more patience in a relationship that’s going south than most other types ever do.  They hang on in there longer than they should – making excuses for the other person, believing things are going to change, turning a blind eye to behaviour that should have been a red flag long ago.  INFJs simply believe that if you treat a person with kindness and understanding, they will reciprocate.  It may seem a little naive – and sometimes it is – but it does mean that they allow boundaries to get crossed way too often.  This means that by the time they’re ready to give up on the other person, they’ve already over-extended themselves too much.

The only thing that’s wrong with the INFJ doorslam is that it took them so long to do it.  INFJs should have the courage to trust their intuition, and end a relationship when it’s clear that only wishful thinking is going to make it work.

So never let anyone make you feel guilty for leaving a relationship when you’ve already given your all to try and make it work and it’s still a negative place to be.  Ending it is a healthy thing to do – for all concerned.  

Let’s just stop calling it a ‘doorslam’.  Call it instead a ‘Farewell’.  

Au Revoir and thanks, as always, for reading.  

Ain’t no way round it, breakups are hard.  Even if you are the one who ended it, it’s still one of the hardest things in life to have go through. And if it was you who was dumped, it’s even more painful – especially if you know your ex has already moved on to someone else.  Sure it shouldn’t make any difference to you now what he/she is or isn’t doing – but we all know it does.  It all just seems so cosmically unfair if they seem able to get on with their life, while you are sitting on your lonesome with a box of tissues and a tub of Ben and Jerrys.  

We’re not gonna lie, INFJs take breakups hard, and often take longer than some other types to move on with their lives. But part of this is a sense that they need to give justice to the deep feelings they’re having, and give themselves time to work them through fully and completely. If you move on too quickly there’s a risk that you’re just burying feelings, and these could resurface at less than ideal moments in any future relationship you may have.  INFJs don’t believe in turning away from pain – they know that repressed feelings have a habit of making themselves felt no matter what you do to squash them.  And you don’t want those buried feelings to sabotage future you.

So we’ve got some tips for the best way for an INFJ to get over a breakup – without either repressing feelings in an unhealthy way or giving in to despair.

• OK, so we’ve all turned to comfort eating (or drinking) when we’ve been feeling low – it’s a constant temptation for INFJ’s with their inferior Se.  But too many all-out binges are just not going to make you feel good.  You know it’s true.  So do yourself a favour and clear any sweet treats out of your house – and don’t buy any more.  It’s easier to resist temptation when the cupboard is bare.
• You’re going to be plagued by the Ni-Ti loop.  You know how it goes – the self-doubt, the overthinking, the negative spirals.  As an INFJ, this is never going to go away completely – but you can stop it spiralling into the abyss by reconnecting with your Fe.  And the best way to do this is by meeting up with someone who you trust, someone who cares about you – either family or friends.  In the early stages post breakup you may not feel much like doing this, so keep it easy by connecting remotely at initially- texting, messaging etc.  But as soon as you feel able to, meeting up with other people who can help you talk through your feelings and give you some perspective is the best way to get out of the Ni-Ti loop. A trusted friend can validate the INFJ’s feelings – having someone else tell you that your ex was a selfish shit and that you’re better off without them is wonderful for an INFJ who’s stuck in feelings of self-doubt. But just going out for some light-hearted fun is also a great way to stop looping and reconnect with, you know, actual reality.
• Journaling – this is our top tip for INFJs going through a breakup. It’s another way for INFJs to use their Fe and externalise their feelings. Because they don’t have Fi, INFJs have a hard time processing and understanding their feelings, and they can really only do this by externalising them in some way – either by talking it out, or by writing it down. If you have a trusted friend that you can confide in, then talking is going to be great. But if you don’t, journaling is just as good. Feelings that seemed dark and inchoate, can become miraculously clear once they’re written down. It also helps to steer the INFJ away from fanciful imaginings about what happened, and back to actual reality – which is likely to be far less negative.
• Even at the best of times social media is a depressing time suck for INFJs – but it’s more important than ever after a breakup to avoid it.  And specially – promise me – don’t stalk your ex.  That way madness lies.  Why torture yourself with pictures of them on their instagram with their new squeeze?  We can get drawn into checking up on our ex’s because we’re secretly hoping to see a post where they confess to being empty, destroyed and heart-broken, and that life has lost all its meaning.  Because that’s how we feel, and poetic justice dictates that they should feel the same, right?  But you know, deep down, that this is not going to happen.  Even if they did feel like that, they’re not going to broadcast it to the world.  We all know that’s not the way social media works.  So promise yourself that you just won’t put yourself through it.  Remember – curiosity killed the cat.
• Put away all those romantic momentoes – INFJs don’t like to let go of the past, and they value the past as being part of their life’s journey.  So you don’t need to throw out love letters completely.  But put them in a box under your bed where you won’t see them.  One day the time will come when you’ll be able to look back on your relationship and be grateful for everything you learned from it, grateful that it made you the person you’ve become.  But right now you don’t want to be constantly reminded of that time when you caught a falling leaf and made a wish that it would be forever.
  
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1. Someone who is happy to listen to them talk about their feelings

Because INFJs don’t have introverted feeling (Fi), they find it hard to process their feelings internally.  Many times an INFJ isn’t even sure exactly what it is they’re feeling at all.  Their extroverted feeling (Fe) makes it easy for them to identify how others are feeling, but they often struggle to identify their own feelings.  The best way for an INFJ to get in touch with and process their own feelings is by talking it out with someone they really trust.  Just the act of talking through these feelings – which may appear very confused and lacking in direction (or even common sense) to person they’re confiding in – can make the INFJ feel better.  It’s often only once they’ve talked through these confused feelings that they’re actually able to make sense of them.

Talking through their own feelings is an important part of individuation for an INFJ.  Without the chance to extravert (talk through) their feelings, they become lost in a haze of uncertainty and ambiguity, and can even loose touch with who they are. This can spiral down into a dark and frightening place for the INFJ.

Patiently listening to these feelings is the best gift an INFJ’s partner can give them.  They don’t need to provide solutions to problems. In fact, it’s probably best if they don’t.  They’re just helping the INFJ fully know what they feel, and therefore what their priorities are.  Once an INFJ has expressed themselves, they regain energy and resilience to cope with the issues in their life.

2 Someone who gets them
INFJs spend a lot of their lives feeling a bit like a fish out of water.  They find it relatively easy to fit in by camouflaging their true self, but at the same time feel that no one really understands them and that no one really speaks their language.  With their dominant introverted intuition (Ni), their perspective on the world is pretty unconventional – not to say downright weird.  Most INFJs value this about themselves, and know that their unique perspective opens up realms of experience that most people can rarely hope to know.  But a lot of people just can’t understand this perspective, and so feeling properly understood is like a drink of water in the desert to an INFJ.  It’s perhaps the second greatest gift a partner can offer them – the simple luxury of being understood.

3 Shared values

INFJs take their core values very seriously indeed, and have little time for people who demonstrate values they consider to be shallow or selfish. So while an INFJ is very broadminded and happy to consider ideas that are pretty left-field, they’re unlikely to tolerate well anything which violates their core principles. A relationship with someone with very different values is going to be a relationship with a lot of arguments.

4 Someone interested in talking about abstract ideas
INFJs can enjoy chatting about superficial things, and are not adverse to the odd bit of small talk. Their Fe makes them more of a fan of gossip than they’d like to admit. But it won’t be long before they tire of these sort of conversations and withdraw. What really excites and energises them is a conversation about ideas.  Tossing an idea back and forwards is a form of play for an INFJ – and nothing concrete or practical need ever come of it.  It’s the process of exploring the idea that stimulates them. Once you get an INFJ interested in an abstract topic, it’s surprising how much they can talk – they may even dominate the conversation.

5 Authenticity
INFJs want to know the real you.  They seek a relationship where you can both be truly open and vulnerable.  INFJs are prepared to open themselves up in a way few other types can, and this can lead to a depth of connection that others can only dream of. They need a partner who is able to be just as authentic. They can see through any pretense and just find it kind of insulting that you don’t want to be honest with them. In particular, INFJs dislike the emotional dishonesty of manipulation, and any relationship where this is a feature is not likely to end well.

1 They expect too much of people
Ever felt you give too much in a relationship? Or that things end up being a little one-sided? INFJs tend give a lot in relationships – it’s natural for them to want to put the other person first, and they devote a lot of energy to making that person feel loved and supported.  Making their partner feel good is rewarding for them, and if they can do something to help that person achieve their goals in life that’s even better.

But not many people can match this level of devotion.  People are human, and most struggle with living up to the level of expectations that an INFJ demands. The honest truth is, your partner may not even be aware of quite how much of yourself you’re putting in to the relationship. Many people just assume that you’re doing what you do because you want to.  Which in a sense is true.  But when it gets to the point where you are consistently sacrificing your own needs to make your partner happy, the other person probably won’t even understand this is happening.

We need to remember to take responsibility for getting our own needs met too – which probably means putting just a little less into the relationship, so that we have time and energy left over for ourselves.  Then we can be more gentle in our expectations of other people.  

2 They take things way too personally
INFJs aren’t good at handling criticism.  Granted, they’re better at this than some types, but they still take things far too personally.  They may not show this hurt openly, but it’s buried deep down, it festers, and then it eventually explodes at a inauspicious moment.  

Sometimes people fuck up.  Sometimes people say things they wish they hadn’t.  People are weak.  This doesn’t mean that their failings are an existential attack on you.  Relationships inevitably involve conflict, and the INFJ needs to work at not taking these disagreements so personally. Not having such high expectations of people can help (see above).

3 They think other people are as good at mind reading as they are
INFJs know in an instant what their partner is feeling. Sometimes, if their partner is in denial or trying to repress an uncomfortable feeling, the INFJ may even understand that feeling better than the other person does themselves.  Their ability to intuit what the other person is feeling is spookily accurate.  And because it comes so naturally to them, INFJs assume that other people can also read them in the same way.  They can’t.

Some types are better at this than others, but there are quite a few people who really need to have things spelled out to them.  If you don’t tell them your feelings directly, they aren’t going to know.  Or worse, they may attribute the wrong feeling to you.  So try to get better at expressing your feelings directly, rather than expecting that the other person will be a mind-reader like you.  Had you secretly hoped that your partner would realise how tired you were after a long day, and that they would then empty the dishwasher themselves?  Try asking them directly instead of waiting for them to guess.